Note. Explicit content below.

Meh dad's sick again. It's kinda gross to see someone hacking up pure blood. o.0
If he's still up to it... we'll leave for that family reunion in Vegas tomorrow. The only reason I'm pushing it so hard... well, my dad wants to see his other daughter before he croaks. She already blames him for Anthony's death (my half brother), so he's been depressed since... hmmm, idk, 2002ish.
Nice day for a crappy entry.

I'm probably gonna desert mindsay for a few weeks, due to the whole summer job spiel. Just to let anyone who cares know, I'll be unreachable here.

Alright, I stole this from cardigan, who blognapped it from another, and the list goes on and on.

Has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?

Yes, a few people.

 

How many people have you completely fallen for?

None that I know.

 

What color is the shirt you're wearing now?

Black (w00t p.j.s)

 

What are you sick of?

MY COMPUTER!! (IT WON'T LET ME TAKE THIS SENTENCE OUT OF BOLD!!) >

 

What do you want right now?

To be able to make up my mind.

 

Have you ever made anyone cry?

Quite a few. Only a handful that I meant.

 

Are you normally a happy person?

Define: normally.

 

What is your greatest fear?

Stealing Cardigan's answer: Hurting others.

 

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?

People are not yours for the keeping, so implying that you can "let someone go" is kinda stupid.

 

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?

I'm sure

 

Are you happier single or in a relationship?

It depends on who I'm with.

 

What were you doing at midnight last night?

I honestly don't remember. (It's not the drugs, I SWEAR!)

 

How late did you stay up last night and why?

I don't remember... b/c my memory has always sucked.

 

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an S?

Not that I can recall but, if anyone has Serj Tankian's number I could try to change that.

 

Have you ever flirted with a friend's crush?

I  don't think so... my friends are mostly guys. (And the few chick friends I have don't like the same guys I do)

 

Do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

The last 'boy' I talked to was either Dane or Nolan... so no.

 

When is the last time you took a nap?

Does hitting the snooze button count?

 

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

Telemarketer.

 

Who's the last person to physically hurt you?

Gawd.... I cant remember.

 

Would you rather go to Tokyo or Paris?

Tokyo.

 

Who else is in the room with you?

Not anymore.

 

Are you listening to music right now?

I was... sort of

 

Jamba Juice or Hollister gift card?

I've never been to either.. but I like juice... I think.

 

What’s the worst way to say I Love You?

After  sex.

 

Are you afraid of roller coasters?

I love roller coasters.

 

Where is your mom right now?

Baking brownies...  XD  (not like pooing either)

 

What is your annoyance?

Girls... >:/

 

Look outside, how's the weather?

Cool and cloudy. Welcome to Washington.

 

Did you talk to anybody random yesterday?

Rebecca counts.

 

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

Were you watching?

 

What are you looking forward to in the next month?

Vegas!

Technically it's not but, who goes to school the last week?

Hahaha, I love that saying. Anyhoe, I finally turned in an English assignment ON TIME!!! w00t. Barely, though. The only problem was I needed to change the Act/Scene references to Roman numerals... np right? Well, I was gonna go in after school and make the changes and just hand everything over. BUT, I forgot and went all the way home and remembered my error. *frowny face* By the time I got back it was 2:49 and the sub was just leaving! Thank fucking gawd Mr. Wilson popped in to grab the essays and he let me print it out and hand my drafts, shaping sheet, and final paper in. He even got a kick out of my awkward scheduling. That was the only assignment I've handed in on time!!! XD
In other news: I cannot make up my mind. *shocker* Mr. Wilson was the only reason I ignored the switch to honours and I'm so not even up to having everyone I know make fun of me for doing it again next year. They barely give me a break now b/c I didn't sign up for it , Mr. Wilson went above me. Wtf will they do if I actually consent to it next year?!? Gar, I hate my stoopid friends. When I lived in Fl, they rarely gave me shit about my classes... then again, I never attended >.<  Oh wellz *<l=E 

I'm really amped about writing the Romeo and Juliet "Fate" essay but we're not supposed to start until Wednesday or so, and in the meantime I've gotta write a biographical essay on Chris Staley. LIKE I GIVE TWO FLYING SHITS ABOUT "CHRIS STALEY- WORLD FAMOUS CERAMICS DOOCHE!". Gar.

In other news... I might be going to either Vegas or Reno this summer. *Bleh* Reno right? Dirty dirty dirty place that I never want to step foot in. Vegas on the other hand would be really nice b/c everytime we're there, we drop at least two grand on the necessities. So that means staying in the MGM *so comfy* and chillin' in the pool... or something along those lines. We were seriously discussing moving there. If we lived in WA for a year and didn't like it, we were heading back to Vegas!!11ONEONEONE

w00t. But, I'm sure we'll be here for a while. >:/ darnthesystem

 Every clinic I've been referred to is full and my current doc. doesn't feel comfortable prescribing froot loops like myself the meds to keep myself in check. The anxiety pills I was taking didn't help at all and just made me tired and now, once again, I'm off of the psych meds.

It's getting alot worse again.. or at least I'm noticing it alot more. I mean, I cried for half an hour b/c I accidentally killed a mosquito in the shower. WTF?!? I went into a manic fit and didn't sleep for like a week b/c I got excited talking about fate. B/c Mr. Cartaledge turned the lights out all class period, I became melancholic and had my German teacher thinking someone did something to me. I was thrown into this uncontrollable rage b/c Marc wouldn't give me any more of his morphine and was passing them out to everyone else like they were goddamned skittles!

Point is .... uh..... I forgot. o.0

I read for Mercutio in class. Savage. Mercutio is teh Beast.

 

Made exactly 12:05 am 5/10/08.

I'm going to try my best to be nice. Sounds easy, right? Not for me. Anytime I'm approached by anyone, I distance myself and put on this cool air that counters sincerity w/ sarcasm. My friends eat it up, but I know it hurts my father. There's just something about letting others know your feelings w/out being hostile that just terrifies me. That's kinda the reason I like blogging. It gives me a sense of anonymity and it takes away the faces of the people I'm telling my secrets to. 

It's kinda funny, the only time I let go and express myself is when I'm on drugs. Not just stabilizers and what not, but Vicodin, Oxycotin, even Methadone. Oh and btw, I tried Morphine for the first time. I took three 15's at once and crushed the coating between my teeth. I had a horrible taste in my mouth for around an hour, but my entire mouth was numb!! XD

Anyway >.> back to the heartfelt, revealing truth about the  real  Jennifer... XD (Now I'm done w/ the sarcasm, promise.)

This resolution was really made for my dad, b/c I've really been feeling down on myself for rejecting his final attempt at an untarnished relationship w/ me. I act as if he's done me wrong in some way.... even though he has... but, I should forgive him right? He's actually dying this time, right? God, I look back at all the times I ignored him in the hospital and I think he's jealous of my clinginess to my mother. (It's a bipolar thing) Each time she goes away I flip out and he takes notice. The never ending, unspoken feud between us over her attention doesn't help either.

This entry has gone on way longer than I thought it would and I'm gonna wrap it up by saying.. the whole resolution thing hasn't gone as well today as I'd hoped but, all's not lost yet. Tommorrow's another day!

So my dad's stopped w/ the whole drug shtick and he's given up on his old ways. Well, then how come he's dying this time? Drugs are the cause of death right? Wrong.

He's hooked up to this annoying oxygen machine and he's hacking up blood. I can't even count how many times the docs have said he was gonna die before, b/c frankly, I was educated in Florida's Public School System. Anyhoe, I normally just barrel through it like it's just the way things are. Now, I look at him w/ this unbearable sense of pity. Like he's some poor broken creature that needs to be put out of his misery.

He's been diagnosed w/ bacterial pneumonia, pancreatic cancer, spinal cancer, Hep C, bone marrow cancer, and God knows what else ('cause I sure can't remember).

I feel horrible... not b/c my dad's dying, but b/c I don't know how my mom could continue w/out him. He's the bipolar glue that holds us, trembling in fear, together. That's a really selfish thing to say, which makes me feel more  horrible. I know I'm a rotten person and all, but I don't know how to go on w/out him. Everything in my life has always revolved around him. I come to admit I've got a rather cordial relationship w/ my mother. I don't think I could continue living here alone w/ her, and I don't think she could live alone at all.

The whole reason we moved to Washington was so that my dad could be closer to his family. The guy's not even 50! I guess I'm stuck counting down for now.